There is no mistake that I'm not free to make.

So, it has been some time since I, myself wrote an update or posted something of my own. This week has been a little boring. Aside from all the drama that I don’t have in my life at the moment, I find myself slipping into “hermit phase” kinda sucks because everyone keeps trying to hang out with me. I love being alone right now. JUST FUCKING BEING. No I’m not utterly depressed so I stay by myself. No I am not being selfish. I like spending the time I have alone for the time being. Hanging with friends has currently been a hit or miss type thing.

Tonight I hung with David and Max. Kinda missed them and granted I wasn’t over at David’s long before I started to feel I missed him lots. I push people aside and forget that friends want to see me too.

I also have found something I’d like to do video wise. After selling my camera I plan to get different one; Cannon Power Shot so I can also take HD video. My goal is to do a 365 day challenge making each day a 5-6 second clip of that day went or of something that reminds me of that day. Pretty exited.about it.

Wow, so I don’t think I have been so worried about something as I am now. Just really hoping and praying and crossing so many fucking fingers it’s crazy. New job promotion may be the end of me and my job or it can be the start of something new. I broke out in a sweat today. Also I feel as though I am keeping certain people addicted to things they don’t need.

So, dreams 3 and 4 have taken place this week. About a week ago Sunday I smoked with Sherrick. I miss that dude. We’d be clowning so much at work when we worked together. I’m really gonna miss him when he leaves for California for his music.

Cut to the chase dream #3 was pretty intense. It had John Lithgow in it. There was a part where I was being choked and what woke me up was me convulsing in my sleep. These dreams wreck my entire day when their that intense.

Dream #4 happend last night when I was dreaming that I was diagnosed with cancer and with that I had to have surgery on my abdomen. When they performed surgery I wasn’t in anesthesia so therefore it was extreamly painful with lots of blood. It was kinda crazy.

Hung out with David tonight and played some portal 2 and had sausage rolls from MJs. He even gave me my Christmas present in medical terminology papers haha. I think his gift was bad ass. Probably the most amazing gift and that has alot of meaning to me. He got me a creative journal. It has something to do for every entry. In the end I plan to mail it to myself here when I’m in Arizona. We may both be out there one day.

So, lately I have been drinking a lot. For the past three weekends I have gotten entirely so trashed that I was sick at work and so on. This weekend this girl wont be drinking smoking or whatever. Its time for a break.

I’ve been feeling sick on and off. Extremely tired and such. I just want to sleep and lay in bed be by myself. That’s hard and a lot of friends don’t understand that I’m truly a hermit and love staying home too. I have also been running atleast every other day for the past two weeks. It feels nice. My new jeans I bought are getting loose so it has its pros and cons.

If I get out of bed today I may go take some photos. :)

Dream #2

So, its been a week since I’ve been crazy high. I’d almost say high is an understatment. So I get those weird dreams you know well I had one last night. 

It was about a portal between two sides of the Earth. The goverment was making certain people go through the portal to the other side. So there were alot of families split apart. I had to go through the portal and since there was high security around the portal everyone was stripped of their clothes and all accessories. So, here we are we’re all walking through a portal naked and right before I entered I seen a little boy give someone his shirt instead of throwing it in the clothing bag. The guy cried while holding the shirt. Told the kid I love you and he went before me into the portal. Upon arriving on the other side of the Earth we came to a dark room where these tables that were lit up with many different people laying on them. Machines from overhead making a crunching sound and voice automated message saying something along the lines that we were put here for the sole purpose of our existence. Everyone I was with layed on the tables but there wasn’t enough for me. They were all filled. Next thing I know I heard the machines dissecting away at everyone. They were taking mainly everyones skin and there was a sorting process of each body organ and and such. I ran through the room and eventually came to an exit. Next thing I know I am living with him and this girl I dont know shes pregnant. She is big into drugs and does coke on a daily basis. He ended up telling me he didnt care about anything and that I was only there for a limited time. I thought that was weird. I end up finding my way around the city and realizing I was the only human actually there. Everyone else was put together from other people but with machine operated bodies. They were going to kill me I was certain…

I cant believe I had another crazy ass dream. I may start a dream journal.  

Dear weekend, 
I came to the realization that I need to slow down on a few things. Taking a break on a few things and probably going to stop drinking alcohol all together. I drank twice this week once being entirely trashed and pukey and the second being pretty sober and such. I suppose they even out but alcohol you’re just like soda to me you need to get out of my life and I’ve been soda-free for over a year now…exception being alcohol. You two taste so good together. That is why I must leave you guys. No more trips for awhile. No more smoking for awhile even though all that shit was fun while it lasted. Mxe, 2C-B and such you’re going out of my life for awhile too. Need to detoxify my body. Maybe even get into eating vegan for a little while. So thank you for letting me know this. What seem to be liver pains are not cool to deal with. 

On another note, Halloween was decent. My makeup turned out alright. I pretty much was a zombie. I know nothing original here, but I did have a good excuse; I worked till 1030 that night. Some pretty slutty costumes but hey I suppose most girls get away with it for the holidays. 

 (cousin Samantha and I)

So, he finally opened up to me this past few days. It feels good maybe it’s a start to something? Who knows. I went to the football game and watched movies with him and his room-mate. Read some of his writings and it showed that I was right. He was very depressed and lonely. I think he also realized that I’m going to do what I want and drugs weren’t something I did because of him. Even though we were not together I still did them. He also took me home one night after I was too trashed to drive recently. It was a very pukey night.That is something I am somewhat disappointed about. I told him he needs to be absolute to his decision. I’ll give it a month before I actually make mine up aswell. He kissed me this morning. Really wasn’t expecting that at all. Was kinda taken back by that….I guess time will only tell.